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It's not like that. I'm not giving in. It just -
[He sighs out loud, even that sound rippling through the stony silence of the library.]
It just came up. He wanted to see the places where I used to hang out, I said I'd get us away during the next field trip, he said why wait. Just - fuck, I just wanted to show him what he was dealing with. What I dealt with. I'm not some stupid kid who's gonna fall for anything.
[Except that's a lie, too. He really took Petre because in his own way, Petre's been right all this time - aside from his complete sociopathy, they're not that different. No one else could've enjoyed the night, enhanced it, the way Petre did. It was genuine fun until John pushed things -
- no. Until Petre pushed things too far. He won't be accepting that blame any more than he'll be giving in.]
[He sighs out loud, even that sound rippling through the stony silence of the library.]
It just came up. He wanted to see the places where I used to hang out, I said I'd get us away during the next field trip, he said why wait. Just - fuck, I just wanted to show him what he was dealing with. What I dealt with. I'm not some stupid kid who's gonna fall for anything.
[Except that's a lie, too. He really took Petre because in his own way, Petre's been right all this time - aside from his complete sociopathy, they're not that different. No one else could've enjoyed the night, enhanced it, the way Petre did. It was genuine fun until John pushed things -
- no. Until Petre pushed things too far. He won't be accepting that blame any more than he'll be giving in.]
...so how'd it go?
[The question comes after a short silence. He doesn't really have anything to say about Petre that he hasn't said before, and there's no use in repeating them-- John knows his feelings, his concerns. Now he just wants to hear about what actually happened.]
[The question comes after a short silence. He doesn't really have anything to say about Petre that he hasn't said before, and there's no use in repeating them-- John knows his feelings, his concerns. Now he just wants to hear about what actually happened.]
[His smile really says it all.]
If I told you about half the shit we did, we'd both get full room lockdown for the rest of our lives. It was a blast.
[But there's no way to tell Ryan that Petre made the bartenders forget both their ages and their tabs, that he got them out of the fights John started with a few casual words and mental nudges, that they made fools of people and reveled in their superiority. It's nothing he would understand.]
Just blowing off steam. I needed it. Nothing that big for the rest of this year, though, I won't luck out with someone taking the fall that way again.
If I told you about half the shit we did, we'd both get full room lockdown for the rest of our lives. It was a blast.
[But there's no way to tell Ryan that Petre made the bartenders forget both their ages and their tabs, that he got them out of the fights John started with a few casual words and mental nudges, that they made fools of people and reveled in their superiority. It's nothing he would understand.]
Just blowing off steam. I needed it. Nothing that big for the rest of this year, though, I won't luck out with someone taking the fall that way again.
Is that gonna be enough to hold you over for the rest of the year?
[The amusement in his tone says he's not so sure it will be. There'll be some kind of trouble later, he's sure, if not something as big as an impromptu trip.]
Because I'm not sure they'd buy it if I tried to cover for you.
[The amusement in his tone says he's not so sure it will be. There'll be some kind of trouble later, he's sure, if not something as big as an impromptu trip.]
Because I'm not sure they'd buy it if I tried to cover for you.
Not sure? You couldn't lie to save your own skin, never mind mine.
[There's a softer smile, more amused than wicked.]
I just said nothing that big. And not until this is done, at least. Don't need to start layering punishments.
[There's a softer smile, more amused than wicked.]
I just said nothing that big. And not until this is done, at least. Don't need to start layering punishments.
-yeah, too many of them and they're going to make it hard to talk to you. Don't make me have to really sneak around.
[His own smile's fond, and just as amused.]
I'd get caught way too fast.
[His own smile's fond, and just as amused.]
I'd get caught way too fast.
[The fondness in Ryan's smile always leaves him with a twisting ambivalence in his gut - aware that he's probably well on the road to hurting the living shit out of someone, but not ready to give up what they have to offer. Some part of him does want to be a decent person, if only it'd speak up more loudly.]
You don't have to do anything.
[That's cold, colder than he intended, and his inability to come up with any way to soften it just leads him to push the cart further down and grab another armful of books. Not a pretty picture, the whole scene.]
You don't have to do anything.
[That's cold, colder than he intended, and his inability to come up with any way to soften it just leads him to push the cart further down and grab another armful of books. Not a pretty picture, the whole scene.]
--what?
[The coldness in it gives him pause, unable to work out just what he'd done wrong--
(what happened, was it something I said-)
-and without any clue what the reason for it was, Ryan has no idea how to respond to that, either. There's confusion and hurt in his own thoughts, and he doesn't follow John down the row of books, left standing there staring after him.]
[The coldness in it gives him pause, unable to work out just what he'd done wrong--
(what happened, was it something I said-)
-and without any clue what the reason for it was, Ryan has no idea how to respond to that, either. There's confusion and hurt in his own thoughts, and he doesn't follow John down the row of books, left standing there staring after him.]
[John looks down at the book he's holding, then drops his arm and sighs.]
No. No, okay, it wasn't anything - just forget it. [And his gaze moves to the clock, once again blaming his environment for everything.] Fifteen minutes left on this shift. Thank god.
No. No, okay, it wasn't anything - just forget it. [And his gaze moves to the clock, once again blaming his environment for everything.] Fifteen minutes left on this shift. Thank god.
...alright.
[It wasn't alright, the thought was nothing but acquiescence, but what else could he do? Start an argument in here, right before John was supposed to get out? That had been something, and Ryan is obviously reluctant to let it go despite his response.]
D'you want me to leave you alone?
[It wasn't alright, the thought was nothing but acquiescence, but what else could he do? Start an argument in here, right before John was supposed to get out? That had been something, and Ryan is obviously reluctant to let it go despite his response.]
D'you want me to leave you alone?
[He looks up, but it's a slow, rolling movement of his head, as though it weighs a ton.]
No.
[Yes. Maybe. But mostly no.]
Ryan - [He's got no end for that thought, but the rest trickles out without him intending it:] (I don't want to hurt you either, but you're gonna let me if you're not careful.)
No.
[Yes. Maybe. But mostly no.]
Ryan - [He's got no end for that thought, but the rest trickles out without him intending it:] (I don't want to hurt you either, but you're gonna let me if you're not careful.)
And I'll live if you do, okay? I don't want you to just- avoid shit in case that happens.
[There's that earnest look again. If that's seriously the problem, it's not one Ryan's going to accept.]
If I get hurt I'm not going to just be instantly done with you or something. Things heal up if you work on them.
[There's that earnest look again. If that's seriously the problem, it's not one Ryan's going to accept.]
If I get hurt I'm not going to just be instantly done with you or something. Things heal up if you work on them.
What kinda shit are you meaning here? [He looks at Ryan more directly, almost challengingly. Time to get this on the table.] What do you actually expect to happen with me?
[Too hard this time. He puts his books down, turns to face Ryan even though that look makes him want to shy away even more than the fond smile.]
You know I liked what we did. You know I wanna be friends. Nothing past that is on offer here.
[Too hard this time. He puts his books down, turns to face Ryan even though that look makes him want to shy away even more than the fond smile.]
You know I liked what we did. You know I wanna be friends. Nothing past that is on offer here.
[At first she jerks, both wary and pissed because if one of those things catches her hair then there's going to be hell to pay. She might look like the end of a broomstick on good days, but her hair's her baby and she'll still kick your ass for messing with it. It's just about the only way she can express how much she fucking hates her parents - by denying the heritage of their trademark auburn hair.
She practically snarls when she turns to look behind her shoulder.]
Do you want me to crack your skull open with my mind? 'Cause I'll do it.
She practically snarls when she turns to look behind her shoulder.]
Do you want me to crack your skull open with my mind? 'Cause I'll do it.
It doesn't have to be anything past that. Being friends still means not just breaking things off soon as anything happens.
[That comes out more defensive than he meant, but it's the only way he can respond to John's tone. Nothing past that. Fine, whatever, so long as he knows where John stands on this. On them.]
If all you want is some kind of friends-with-benefits thing, okay, but I'm here because I like you. Alright? All I expect to happen is to not be the only one putting any effort in.
[That comes out more defensive than he meant, but it's the only way he can respond to John's tone. Nothing past that. Fine, whatever, so long as he knows where John stands on this. On them.]
If all you want is some kind of friends-with-benefits thing, okay, but I'm here because I like you. Alright? All I expect to happen is to not be the only one putting any effort in.
[His shoulders, held rigid through that entire mental speech, finally relax a little. Ryan sounds more angry than hurt, and more angry that John was making assumptions than anything. It's a good place for him to be; it's far more likely to be genuine, rather than a cover for disappointment about what he'd thought would happen going up in smoke.]
Alright. [He nods slowly, breaking eye contact. Basically nodding down at the floor.] Alright, just - as long as you know that. I don't need protecting, I don't need saving, I don't need anything from you. Just do what you wanna do, and I'll do what I wanna do, and sometimes it'll be together. It's worked so far, should keep working now.
Alright. [He nods slowly, breaking eye contact. Basically nodding down at the floor.] Alright, just - as long as you know that. I don't need protecting, I don't need saving, I don't need anything from you. Just do what you wanna do, and I'll do what I wanna do, and sometimes it'll be together. It's worked so far, should keep working now.
Report back when you have it, then. I think we'll be on the same page.
[And having even one staff member on his side will be a major boost.]
[And having even one staff member on his side will be a major boost.]
No, but I like that it's where you went first. [He appears from behind the tree, pulling any lingering flames into his palm and snuffing them out, then snapping his lighter shut.] Right for death threats. Pretty sexy.
...yeah. Yeah, that'll work.
[That's all he wanted, right? For John to be willing to stick around, to stay friends after what they'd done and maybe repeat that. It's all he figured he could ask for.
And there's still an edge of disappointment despite that, one he's trying hard to bury. After hearing John say there's nothing he needs from him Ryan's quickly realizing that's something he wanted, too; to be needed in some way, to be important.
(I don't know what I expected) slips out of his thoughts, genuine confusion mixed into that frustration. It should be enough for him.]
[That's all he wanted, right? For John to be willing to stick around, to stay friends after what they'd done and maybe repeat that. It's all he figured he could ask for.
And there's still an edge of disappointment despite that, one he's trying hard to bury. After hearing John say there's nothing he needs from him Ryan's quickly realizing that's something he wanted, too; to be needed in some way, to be important.
(I don't know what I expected) slips out of his thoughts, genuine confusion mixed into that frustration. It should be enough for him.]
[Three days in. Ryan comes to "study" and slips him the lighter every day, so his own tension about his work assignment is starting to dissipate. It's that act, his own intense gratefulness for it, that makes him eye Petre's pack of cigarettes on his bedside table thoughtfully and formulate a new plan.
They're nasty addictive, he remembers that much from his mom. And Petre's got pretty much zero opportunity to smoke right now.
He walks down the path to the gardens, finding where Petre is working and ducking behind a bush to light one of those cigarettes. Blech, disgusting, but he knows better than to inhale this time. Once he comes into view, he just holds it out to Petre with his head cocked. That choking blue-grey smoke rising temptingly from the ember.]
No one's around right now. I'll keep an eye out; if anyone gets close, the whole thing'll be ashes before they see anything, right down to the filter.
They're nasty addictive, he remembers that much from his mom. And Petre's got pretty much zero opportunity to smoke right now.
He walks down the path to the gardens, finding where Petre is working and ducking behind a bush to light one of those cigarettes. Blech, disgusting, but he knows better than to inhale this time. Once he comes into view, he just holds it out to Petre with his head cocked. That choking blue-grey smoke rising temptingly from the ember.]
No one's around right now. I'll keep an eye out; if anyone gets close, the whole thing'll be ashes before they see anything, right down to the filter.
Yes sir.
[He chuckles a little, but it's somewhat relieved. He's glad to have found at least one student who has a decent head on their shoulders.]
Hm. I wonder if they'd let me take you for some guard detail at night. A sort of 'this is what happens to people who break the rules' thing. It could be fun, and you'd get credit for work...
[He chuckles a little, but it's somewhat relieved. He's glad to have found at least one student who has a decent head on their shoulders.]
Hm. I wonder if they'd let me take you for some guard detail at night. A sort of 'this is what happens to people who break the rules' thing. It could be fun, and you'd get credit for work...
I'm sure they're worried about me. They know my history and I don't exactly hide it. Apparently being discrete about that kind of stuff is more common here than the crowd I grew up around.
There'll be nothing sexy about you crying with snot and drool all over your face, asshole.
[bleugh.]
[bleugh.]
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