[He just worries. He just doesn't like it, either, because John's mixed up about it happening once and he isn't certain it couldn't happen again. He just doesn't want to see him sucked into something he warned Ryan to avoid.]
[There's certainly no risk of John telling Ryan about their planned getaway to NYC the following weekend, given that they've established how terrible he'd be at keeping pranks and misbehaviour a secret, so that's one thing he doesn't need to worry about.
(Although John is now. How in god's name did that plan happen again?)]
I know. I've been dealing with this since last year. I know his whole act.
[Slowly, he rolls onto his back again, eyes shifting over to meet Ryan's.]
Look. It's not like I expected it either. [Because yeah, he can tell Ryan's more than just worried. It's extremely awkward given that they actually shook on being friends, so John's been trying to ignore it, but he knows that Ryan has some sort of issue over it not being him.]
[There's an unavoidable little pang of guilt at that- god, he knows, doesn't he, he'd probably let too much slip through- but Ryan isn't about to outright admit to it, either. Not when they're only recently friends. John's known Petre for a year already, of course it makes sense.
He still doesn't meet his eyes for long before he shifts to lie down himself, on his back, arms folded behind his head. Eyes fixed on the ceiling.]
Nobody does. [He shrugs slightly, casual as he can make it. (Don't go and ruin it.)] It just- happens, right? Don't worry about it, I get it.
You know how I am, Ryan. You've seen it. [He's twitchy with the whole idea of guys being into him. Coming on to him. He's really a toe over the line into homophobia.] No, I'm not taking this that well. And the amount it's freaking me out would probably piss you off.
[He's trying to do the right thing here, man, give him a break.]
[...he sighs and rolls onto his side to face John, giving him a look that's more open than neutral. Frank, just like the tone of his thoughts.]
So you're not taking it well-- and who else are you going to talk to? Because with the way you feel about it, it's going to eat at you if you don't. That's not the kind of thing you can bottle up and keep that way, is it.
[He doesn't smile, but there's a hint of wry humour in the tone of his thought.]
He kissed me first. Twice. And I didn't know - just not knowing drove me crazy. Usually he just had to touch me and my skin would crawl. So I tried it back.
[Maybe it's just now occurring to him that those previous touches were unwelcome, non-consensual, and very deliberate and aggressive despite how gentle they often were. He's never welcomed or actually initiated that kind of contact, except -
- when he touched Ryan's hair, actually. Played with it, if one wants to get down to brass tacks.]
[He can't be anything but blunt with this, he just can't- but he's sure John gets that kind of thing.]
No shit you didn't like it when he touched you. Would you like it if some girl were hanging all over you when you'd told her you weren't interested, just because you're into women? Hell of a lot different from letting her kiss you, isn't it.
[He actually sits up and swings his legs over the edge of the bed at that, mouth falling open in indignation.]
I was not panicking or flirting, alright -
[Pointless. Fuck. That's two people who see right through him now, although Ryan is really just stating the obvious. Defeated, he collapses back onto the bed.]
...alright. I'll keep you close as I can to it, then.
[That's when he finally pushes himself up and off the bed, stretching out with a long sigh.]
But I should probably go before she comes and kicks me out. Figure you want to get back to some peace and quiet anyway, yeah?
[He doesn't leave immediately, though, lingering for a moment after he speaks- and reaches down to snag one of John's hands in a loose, casual grip. Just for a moment, and then he lets it go.]
[He sits up, hand held out oddly in front of him. Like he doesn't understand what just happened. The truth is that he hasn't understood anything in awhile now, and that's just the most recent event that's confused him.
But Ryan helped him out, helped clear his head a lot again, and all while obviously dealing with his own issues around John and Petre. They've got this strange, intense thing going on, and while he knows and likes both of them, he's locked out of it. John's not exactly long on empathy, but it's a fucked up place to be, and he remembers Ryan's rant about how no one could possibly have been interested in him.
It just feels like something needs to be said. Not John's greatest skill in these kinds of situations.]
[Ryan waits, head slightly tilted; he's not entirely sure what else John has to say, whether it's just 'goodnight' or something else, and when he hears it-
He's still not sure what to think. Coming from John, it's- nicer than the same words would be from anyone else, actually. Some people deal in platitudes, but he isn't one of them, wouldn't say it just because. It makes his chest tighten-- throat too, he realizes belatedly-- as he bites his lip, just as uncertain of what to say in return. There are things wrong with him, it's just... well, shitty, honestly, to throw that back at someone, and anything else he'd like to say or do to respond just wouldn't be right. It's appreciated, it really is, but he has no idea how to handle those exact words right now.
And in the end, he doesn't say anything about it. Just takes it for what it is, tries not to turn around too fast and make it obvious he's hiding his face before John mistakes getting a little emotional for getting upset.]
[He did that wrong. Not really a surprise. He's largely in uncharted waters with Ryan, being friends and sharing feelings and thoughts he's always believed were meant to be kept to himself.]
'Night. [His physical voice basically shuts the door. He knows this conversation is over. Curling his legs up enough to grab the top of the blanket, he stretches out beneath it and lies back down.
This'll have to be explained to Petre eventually, too. But honestly? Fuck Petre.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
[He just worries. He just doesn't like it, either, because John's mixed up about it happening once and he isn't certain it couldn't happen again. He just doesn't want to see him sucked into something he warned Ryan to avoid.]
Just be careful, okay.
no subject
(Although John is now. How in god's name did that plan happen again?)]
I know. I've been dealing with this since last year. I know his whole act.
[Slowly, he rolls onto his back again, eyes shifting over to meet Ryan's.]
Look. It's not like I expected it either. [Because yeah, he can tell Ryan's more than just worried. It's extremely awkward given that they actually shook on being friends, so John's been trying to ignore it, but he knows that Ryan has some sort of issue over it not being him.]
no subject
He still doesn't meet his eyes for long before he shifts to lie down himself, on his back, arms folded behind his head. Eyes fixed on the ceiling.]
Nobody does. [He shrugs slightly, casual as he can make it. (Don't go and ruin it.)] It just- happens, right? Don't worry about it, I get it.
no subject
[God, it's a pointless statement at this point, isn't it?]
- I don't know what the fuck it is. Never mind. I'm just gonna be an asshole if I try to talk about it.
no subject
[That gets Ryan to glance back over, eyeing him with a worried little frown.]
I'm not trying to brush you off, I just don't-- I'm not good with the whole 'knowing what to say' thing.
no subject
[He's trying to do the right thing here, man, give him a break.]
no subject
So you're not taking it well-- and who else are you going to talk to? Because with the way you feel about it, it's going to eat at you if you don't. That's not the kind of thing you can bottle up and keep that way, is it.
no subject
[He doesn't smile, but there's a hint of wry humour in the tone of his thought.]
He kissed me first. Twice. And I didn't know - just not knowing drove me crazy. Usually he just had to touch me and my skin would crawl. So I tried it back.
[Maybe it's just now occurring to him that those previous touches were unwelcome, non-consensual, and very deliberate and aggressive despite how gentle they often were. He's never welcomed or actually initiated that kind of contact, except -
- when he touched Ryan's hair, actually. Played with it, if one wants to get down to brass tacks.]
no subject
No shit you didn't like it when he touched you. Would you like it if some girl were hanging all over you when you'd told her you weren't interested, just because you're into women? Hell of a lot different from letting her kiss you, isn't it.
no subject
But there's still never been anyone else, and I'm seventeen. Shouldn't there be some kinda sign before that?
no subject
no subject
I was not panicking or flirting, alright -
[Pointless. Fuck. That's two people who see right through him now, although Ryan is really just stating the obvious. Defeated, he collapses back onto the bed.]
Why him. Of all people.
no subject
[Ryan stays where he is even when John sits up- this time the answer's more genuine than the previous times he's given it.]
Because he was there, I guess. Managed to push just the right buttons.
no subject
What he does, in other words. Fuck, Ryan, he can never know this. This is what he's wanted all along.
no subject
[He has literally every reason not to, after all.]
Just- whatever happens with him, don't let him take all your time, okay? And don't take that the wrong way.
[That's added quickly, before he continues.]
...you're kind of the only person I really hang out with. I mean, you probably know that, but.
no subject
[- oh. Oh shit. He can't believe Ryan just said that. It's embarrassing as hell and kind of sweet in a way he doesn't want to admit.]
- dude. [He laughs shakily.] You're basically my one link to sanity right now. I'm not going anywhere.
no subject
[He meets that shaky laugh with a crooked little grin.]
no subject
You know I'm never making it all the way to sane as well as I do. Closer's good enough for me right now.
no subject
[That's when he finally pushes himself up and off the bed, stretching out with a long sigh.]
But I should probably go before she comes and kicks me out. Figure you want to get back to some peace and quiet anyway, yeah?
[He doesn't leave immediately, though, lingering for a moment after he speaks- and reaches down to snag one of John's hands in a loose, casual grip. Just for a moment, and then he lets it go.]
no subject
[He sits up, hand held out oddly in front of him. Like he doesn't understand what just happened. The truth is that he hasn't understood anything in awhile now, and that's just the most recent event that's confused him.
But Ryan helped him out, helped clear his head a lot again, and all while obviously dealing with his own issues around John and Petre. They've got this strange, intense thing going on, and while he knows and likes both of them, he's locked out of it. John's not exactly long on empathy, but it's a fucked up place to be, and he remembers Ryan's rant about how no one could possibly have been interested in him.
It just feels like something needs to be said. Not John's greatest skill in these kinds of situations.]
There's nothing wrong with you.
[See?]
no subject
He's still not sure what to think. Coming from John, it's- nicer than the same words would be from anyone else, actually. Some people deal in platitudes, but he isn't one of them, wouldn't say it just because. It makes his chest tighten-- throat too, he realizes belatedly-- as he bites his lip, just as uncertain of what to say in return. There are things wrong with him, it's just... well, shitty, honestly, to throw that back at someone, and anything else he'd like to say or do to respond just wouldn't be right. It's appreciated, it really is, but he has no idea how to handle those exact words right now.
And in the end, he doesn't say anything about it. Just takes it for what it is, tries not to turn around too fast and make it obvious he's hiding his face before John mistakes getting a little emotional for getting upset.]
--'night, John.
no subject
'Night. [His physical voice basically shuts the door. He knows this conversation is over. Curling his legs up enough to grab the top of the blanket, he stretches out beneath it and lies back down.
This'll have to be explained to Petre eventually, too. But honestly? Fuck Petre.]