[He clenches his jaw against the nasty retorts that leap to the tip of his tongue, hundreds of them, thousands, none of which he wants to say right now. For once. But god, the knee-jerk reaction is strong. There's a muscle actually twitching in his cheek as he works to calm himself.]
I told you. I don't actually hate you.
[And he sits up straight again.]
You're literally fucking self-destructing here, Petre. It's kinda hard to miss.
[Needless to say Petre sees right through him, and part of him is further aggravated by the fact that John doesn't even take the bait. He doesn't even play ball like his usual self so Petre can throw it right back with a jab to his stomach.
Taking the calm approach. He could be sick right now. Fighting would actually make him feel better for how miserably it'd play out for the both of them. Tearing down is so much easier than building up.]
How's this any different from what I normally do?
[It's more a test to John than a question about himself.]
[John gives him a flat look. He's got a point, but he's still evading like crazy, so John will state the obvious.]
Scale. You went from staying under the radar to blowing it up. Someone's meant to be watching, and since you obviously don't give a shit if the staff notices, I've gotta assume it's me.
[He spreads out his hands, eyebrows up, fully expecting to be told that's sheer vanity and preparing not to believe a word of it.]
So. I'm here. I see you. Say whatever you've got to say.
[That makes him pause, even if just for a moment. Something bitter still present in his lips, in the way they twitch just slightly to the side before he hides the lower one behind teeth.
He looks to the side, down, leaning against the door frame. He shrugs one shoulder, quieter than before, but no less tense. John's being the sensible one now? Let's see what that really looks like.]
[He rubs wearily at his face, scrubbing a hand over one eye. Maybe Harry's right - he's doing most of this to himself by willingly poking the sleeping dragon over and over and over again. But he keeps expecting this dragon to breathe fire, which will never harm him, and it keeps reminding John that it also has teeth.
Fucked if he'll sit back and let Petre walk all over him, though. That's just the core issue when you deal with Petre: dishing out exactly the amount you take and then getting twice the shitstorm in return.]
Can I get a flowchart of what counts as rules of the game and what gets taken personally? 'Cause I'm really losing track here. Seems like you can say whatever you want to me, but I'm offending your delicate sensibilities every time I fight back. [No, okay, pull back. Ease off.] Yeah. There were better ways to tell you about that. But maybe if you didn't force my hand, it would've played out better.
[But John pulls back, eases off. Or at least he thinks that's what he's doing. Petre sees it all as the same. Petre's eyes are narrowed when they return to focus on him, like he's trying to spot a lie. John thought it was just another swipe at their ping-pong-like match? He must've missed the ball flying way over his head.]
So - how should it have played out? What was I supposed to say to you? Yes, please, thank you. Sorry I ever bothered with acknowledging who you really are. I'll take those cigarettes now.
You've got me backed into a corner with this order on me. You don't expect me to lash out? I could've just told you, not held it over you 'cause it was all I had left.
[Alright. If he's doing this, he's going all the way.]
None of it was a joke. But the thing about pitying you was a lie.
[It's even more visible now, the anger from when John first said it. The worst thing you can do to Petre is pity him, something he discovered when he first had a taste of it in someone's eyes. He doesn't remember how accurate what he told John was. It makes him sick, and that feeling sinks right down to his stomach all over again.]
And what do you expect me to do now? Take it off because you had a change of heart?
I get it. I get it better than anyone. I was dragged in here off the streets, weeks since my last shower, lice, clothes nearly falling off, with pneumonia and negative body fat. You think I didn't get my fair share of pity before people figured out I wasn't some fucking case for them to take on and feel better about themselves? That's why I used it. Like you ever use anything but the best weapons you've got against me.
[And now he sighs, running a hand through his messy hair.]
I don't expect anything anymore. Just calm the hell down, Petre.
[He knows what John went through. He knows the look in people's eyes.]
They look at you like their sadness means shit. But they aren't sad. They're embarrassed. Uncomfortable. That's why they want to change you, make you feel better. None of it's for you, not really. That's what pity really means.
[And selfish as he is, he'd never take what he doesn't want. He curls his upper lip.]
I'd never pity you, John. I know who you are - who you really are. I don't ever want you to change.
Then why should anyone else? [a pause. He's relaxing, if that means anything. Turning the tables so he's the one scrutinizing John, not the other way around.] They don't deserve you. They don't care about who you really are. They want the light version of what's inside your head.
[This is so fucked up, but he just needs to keep talking like it's sensible. Try to see the world through Petre's disturbed eyes and come up with something that will resonate with him.]
I'm just messing around. No one's gonna have me the way you want, Petre. This isn't a game anyone could win.
[And he really can't see it - or doesn't want to - just how insane his notion of whatever he feels for John is. It isn't love, he knows that, but it's the sense that they belong together. That he'll never find anyone like John because they're two of a kind. One of them's enlightened about it because life gave him the chance to restart from scratch and become this. Whatever it is, he doesn't want to be the only one. And John is his only chance.]
I don't want you to mess around.
[They'll change him. Mold him into their perfect version of what a good boy John Allerdyce should be. He'll leave.]
[No, no, he can't get angry. That takes them right back into attack mode and things get worse. Goddamnit, he is clinging onto calm until actual, physical cracks start to show from the effort.]
If this - whatever we've got is as real as you think it is, what the hell is fucking around with another guy gonna do? How's it even gonna satisfy me if you're the one I'm supposed to be doing it with? Since when are you insecure?
[Not his choice to make. Doesn't that just twist his insides the wrong way.]
Because you're-- [He grits his teeth and shuts his eyes, his own assessment that anger is starting to seep through while he makes the barest of efforts to keep it in place.] Because you're running.
[He gets up, walking over to Petre and standing in front of him, much closer than he normally would. This moment feels so incredibly delicate, and he doesn't know if this is the right move or entirely the wrong one, but he needs to make it. He needs to look right into Petre's eyes, close and steady enough to show the trust he really doesn't feel at all.]
At least trust me that much. You know me well enough to trust me that much.
[Figuring shit out. That's so - childish. Here he is, trying to show John everything exactly the way it is, and he still wants to go elsewhere to find something that's not there. He won't find it. And for all he knows he'll just keep searching forever.
He'll leave.
Petre brings a hand up to John's face. Cupping it, not so gently, just solid where it's place.]
[He manages not to wince, but it's such an effort that he strongly suspects he'll just collapse when the grip is gone. This whole thing feels like Russian Roulette and he's running out of empty chambers.]
[The funny thing is, it doesn't even take any effort to be convincing. There's no lie behind it when he presses his mouth against Petre's - this is something he does desire, and would likely have given into already if it didn't come with such a heavy price.
In fact, his kiss is hungry, almost desperate for everything he can't allow himself. The madness that would come along with any step beyond this one is something he won't accept, but in this single, delicate moment, he kisses like he could go over that cliff without so much as a push.]
[It doesn't even take him a second to respond. His hands are already moving to both hold John's face when he angles his head, responds the kiss in kind because he's tired, because his mind is wired from all those days and nights of being reckless and self-destructive. Later on he'll look back at this and realize he could never enjoy it properly, but relish on the fact that it happened in the first place. And that he remembers.
He opens his mouth, licks John's tongue, presses his lips and sucks softly, only to repeat the same kind of kiss until they've both exhausted each other. It's all fire, all energy, and Petre's mind continues to be set on one thing: have John. Consume him completely.
So a hand moves down to tug at his belt, bring their bodies closer together as he starts to unbuckle it with impatient hands.]
[He jerks away when he feels Petre's hands on his belt, suddenly aware both that he made a mistake in indulging even a kiss and that he may end up having to give more now that Petre's mind is apparently bent on it.
Fuck. Never assume he's being reasonable. Never.]
I've proven myself. [He's panting, flushed, obviously affected by the kiss but holding out on going any further.]
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I told you. I don't actually hate you.
[And he sits up straight again.]
You're literally fucking self-destructing here, Petre. It's kinda hard to miss.
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Taking the calm approach. He could be sick right now. Fighting would actually make him feel better for how miserably it'd play out for the both of them. Tearing down is so much easier than building up.]
How's this any different from what I normally do?
[It's more a test to John than a question about himself.]
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Scale. You went from staying under the radar to blowing it up. Someone's meant to be watching, and since you obviously don't give a shit if the staff notices, I've gotta assume it's me.
[He spreads out his hands, eyebrows up, fully expecting to be told that's sheer vanity and preparing not to believe a word of it.]
So. I'm here. I see you. Say whatever you've got to say.
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He looks to the side, down, leaning against the door frame. He shrugs one shoulder, quieter than before, but no less tense. John's being the sensible one now? Let's see what that really looks like.]
You said plenty enough for the both of us.
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[He rubs wearily at his face, scrubbing a hand over one eye. Maybe Harry's right - he's doing most of this to himself by willingly poking the sleeping dragon over and over and over again. But he keeps expecting this dragon to breathe fire, which will never harm him, and it keeps reminding John that it also has teeth.
Fucked if he'll sit back and let Petre walk all over him, though. That's just the core issue when you deal with Petre: dishing out exactly the amount you take and then getting twice the shitstorm in return.]
Can I get a flowchart of what counts as rules of the game and what gets taken personally? 'Cause I'm really losing track here. Seems like you can say whatever you want to me, but I'm offending your delicate sensibilities every time I fight back. [No, okay, pull back. Ease off.] Yeah. There were better ways to tell you about that. But maybe if you didn't force my hand, it would've played out better.
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[But John pulls back, eases off. Or at least he thinks that's what he's doing. Petre sees it all as the same. Petre's eyes are narrowed when they return to focus on him, like he's trying to spot a lie. John thought it was just another swipe at their ping-pong-like match? He must've missed the ball flying way over his head.]
So - how should it have played out? What was I supposed to say to you? Yes, please, thank you. Sorry I ever bothered with acknowledging who you really are. I'll take those cigarettes now.
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[Alright. If he's doing this, he's going all the way.]
None of it was a joke. But the thing about pitying you was a lie.
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And what do you expect me to do now? Take it off because you had a change of heart?
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I get it. I get it better than anyone. I was dragged in here off the streets, weeks since my last shower, lice, clothes nearly falling off, with pneumonia and negative body fat. You think I didn't get my fair share of pity before people figured out I wasn't some fucking case for them to take on and feel better about themselves? That's why I used it. Like you ever use anything but the best weapons you've got against me.
[And now he sighs, running a hand through his messy hair.]
I don't expect anything anymore. Just calm the hell down, Petre.
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[He knows what John went through. He knows the look in people's eyes.]
They look at you like their sadness means shit. But they aren't sad. They're embarrassed. Uncomfortable. That's why they want to change you, make you feel better. None of it's for you, not really. That's what pity really means.
[And selfish as he is, he'd never take what he doesn't want. He curls his upper lip.]
I'd never pity you, John. I know who you are - who you really are. I don't ever want you to change.
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Don't you? If you really know me, you know I'll never be owned.
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Maybe not. But you still won't have me the way you want me. Really want me, beyond all the sexual crap.
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I'm just messing around. No one's gonna have me the way you want, Petre. This isn't a game anyone could win.
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I don't want you to mess around.
[They'll change him. Mold him into their perfect version of what a good boy John Allerdyce should be. He'll leave.]
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[No, no, he can't get angry. That takes them right back into attack mode and things get worse. Goddamnit, he is clinging onto calm until actual, physical cracks start to show from the effort.]
If this - whatever we've got is as real as you think it is, what the hell is fucking around with another guy gonna do? How's it even gonna satisfy me if you're the one I'm supposed to be doing it with? Since when are you insecure?
[Nope, there's a tiny crack.]
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Because you're-- [He grits his teeth and shuts his eyes, his own assessment that anger is starting to seep through while he makes the barest of efforts to keep it in place.] Because you're running.
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[He gets up, walking over to Petre and standing in front of him, much closer than he normally would. This moment feels so incredibly delicate, and he doesn't know if this is the right move or entirely the wrong one, but he needs to make it. He needs to look right into Petre's eyes, close and steady enough to show the trust he really doesn't feel at all.]
At least trust me that much. You know me well enough to trust me that much.
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He'll leave.
Petre brings a hand up to John's face. Cupping it, not so gently, just solid where it's place.]
Show me.
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Show you what?
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[Something they've done before. John knows what - he said it himself. When I kissed you.]
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In fact, his kiss is hungry, almost desperate for everything he can't allow himself. The madness that would come along with any step beyond this one is something he won't accept, but in this single, delicate moment, he kisses like he could go over that cliff without so much as a push.]
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He opens his mouth, licks John's tongue, presses his lips and sucks softly, only to repeat the same kind of kiss until they've both exhausted each other. It's all fire, all energy, and Petre's mind continues to be set on one thing: have John. Consume him completely.
So a hand moves down to tug at his belt, bring their bodies closer together as he starts to unbuckle it with impatient hands.]
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Fuck. Never assume he's being reasonable. Never.]
I've proven myself. [He's panting, flushed, obviously affected by the kiss but holding out on going any further.]
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