[His answer is every bit as lazy, tone as soft as his smile. This is comfortable, more comfortable than he's been in a while, and it's more of a relief than he'd expected to know that John is too.]
[One of those Ryan statements that makes him feel both deeply uneasy and a bit touched at once. They saw one another nearly every day when Ryan was able to bring the lighter in for him and "study" for a bit. What he missed was the ability to touch, and right now, they're basically cuddling.
Has John ever cuddled? With anyone? Certainly not that he can remember off the top of his head.
He props himself up again, just on his elbow this time, to look down at Ryan. It's a searching look, not totally settled but not all the way to upset either. He's just wishing he had an even more direct pipeline to Ryan's brain, so he could know how deep this runs and exactly how much capacity he has to hurt Ryan at this moment. For some reason, the idea really does bother him.]
I was that good, huh. [It's a ridiculous joke - he fumbled nervously through Ryan's side of the pleasuring, just as nervously as he'd begun the kissing. Certainly not "that good." But it puts into perspective that they've only been physically close once before this, which seems important to John.
Even as he reaches up, appearing to go for Ryan's hair again, then ends up drawing his fingertips up and down the side of Ryan's neck instead. Now his eyes are a little more intent, lips pursed slightly.]
[Ryan peers right back at him, his own look much less searching-- there's not worry in it, just idle curiosity about what it is John's looking for in his face (and just maybe an idle thought or two about how he likes his eyes. What can he say, certain things keep coming to mind.)
That comment gets a breathless little laugh from him, though, a brief shake of his head.]
Maybe I wouldn't hand out any awards for that-- but you know I liked it.
[His eyes are half-lidded as John's fingers trail along his neck, head tilting to leave more of it exposed to his touch.
[God, why can't he be normal. Why can't this be sweet. Why can't he just fall right into this and lose himself and have total, stupid, blind faith that it's the right thing to do. He's got temptations on every side and wants to, should run from all of them, yet can't bear the thought of going back to total solitude.
It's too good to be trusted. That's the plain and simple fact of the matter. And it's not only Ryan that he distrusts with something like this.]
Ryan - [But he's said all this already. Ryan just plain isn't listening. All that's left to do is break the connection immediately.
Which is exactly why John leans down and kisses him instead, gripping his neck more firmly.]
[It takes some restraint not to kiss him back more intently, after all the time he's spent thinking about doing it again, but Ryan manages. There's no less want in it, no less interest; it's soft, though, a contented thing more than an eager one, and that's plain from the feel of his thoughts.]
-John.
[That's all he can really say in response, a pleased acknowledgment that he's here, that this is happening, and that he's happy with it.]
[And this is why Petre says that other people don't deserve him. Because they can be this peaceful and content in the company of someone who's using them. They have no idea how ugly and selfish his heart really is.
It's John who intensifies the kiss, not wanting this sweet, lazy energy to continue - this is affection, and they're about friendship and/or lust. Time to strengthen the boundaries. He slips a leg over Ryan's hips to straddle him properly and licks at his mouth, hungry, demanding.]
[The thing is, he wouldn't really care. He has this, there's still the capability there for something this nice, and whatever else there might be-- it's the kind of thing he'll always consider a good sign.
Ryan's reluctant to let go of it and let things intensify the way John wants, not responding with the same intent at first; it's easy enough to spark his interest, though, and only a few moments pass before he's nipping at John's lip and sliding his hands down to grip at his hips.]
[He grins against Ryan's mouth, then pulls back, looking at him curiously.]
My eyes? [It's a thought from a few moments ago, but it's stuck with him. He's confident in his good looks overall (could stand to be taller, of course), but he doesn't see anything special about his eyes, which he knows he heard Ryan thinking about.]
[It's a simple enough answer, a little absent; now that he's been prompted about that thought Ryan's staring into them again, reaching up to cup the side of John's face.]
You don't usually see blue ones that dark.
[He'd thought they were a different color at first, and he's willing to bet most others do, too. It makes it a sort of secret-- he's been near enough to know, paid enough attention, and there's a little sense of closeness in that.]
Oh. That, yeah. [That gets another little grin out of him.] Had a few people just say "Holy shit, your eyes are blue" when they noticed. They always look blue to me, but apparently not most of the time.
[They're his dad's eyes, but he won't say that: speaking of family always requires proprietary language - my dad, my mom - and they're not his as far as he's concerned, any more than he's theirs. A little flash of a face slips through, though, arrogantly handsome and much more rugged than John's, with those same dark, dark blue eyes and framed by equally dark hair. John doesn't take after his dad in any other feature.]
You have to be close to notice. That's probably why.
[He catches that image, has a pretty good idea of whose face it is-- but he's not about to comment, not on that kind of topic. Instead he simply lets his thumb brush wonderingly over John's cheekbone, another easy and affectionate little touch.
Kind of like how people don't notice the sky being dark blue, either, he muses idly, and then: ...fuck, that's dumb, don't think that out loud.]
[Yeah, that'd do it. Not that many people get close to him in any way. It's starting to hit him the same way it hit Ryan now, the odd intimacy of having an eye colour that requires close range examination and the fact that Ryan chose it as the part of his face he liked best. This is definitely someone who enjoys closeness, as much as John fears it.
The next thought, along with Ryan's warning to himself not to think it so that John can hear it. makes him laugh in spite of himself. He's still laughing when he bends to kiss Ryan again, but it gradually evens out so that he can kiss properly, without the earlier impatient heat but still very focussed and intent.]
[The laugh makes it obvious that thought had slipped out after all-- Ryan wrinkles his nose, but when John kisses him that faintly-amused annoyance quickly slips from his face. There's a soft, barely audible murmur against his lips, equal intent on his own side this time; it might not have the same lazy sweetness Ryan had started this all off with, but the lack of that impatience is still something he can definitely appreciate.]
[It's subtle enough that Ryan may not have noticed, but every time he makes an actual noise, John shivers just a little - it's so unexpected, and something about it is so genuine and raw when Ryan can't even speak, that it strikes him in a very deep place. Just the tiniest of murmurs hits him harder than the deepest, loudest moan from someone else, because Ryan couldn't fake that if he wanted to.
Part of him really, really wants to hear Ryan speak. It's not a fair wish, like having a friend in a wheelchair and wanting to go jogging with them, but he likes the gentle and slightly high-toned voice he hears in his head. He wants to feel the hot breath of it against his ear, feel the vibration of it in Ryan's chest when he's lying against him. Intimate things, like Ryan staring into his eyes until he noticed they were blue.
(shit that's not I can't think like) A nervous, broken edge of a thought, but he just slides a hand up Ryan's side and kisses him more deeply, trying once again to lose himself in the physical sensation. The hand slips up under Ryan's shirt, anchoring John with a flat press against his abdomen, and he shifts his hips a little to lean in a bit more closely.]
[He hasn't noticed it before, but he's paying enough attention to John this time that he does catch that little shiver-- it's an unexpectedly rewarding thing, getting that reaction from him, made just as frustrating for the fact that he can't control it. Even when he tries to do it on purpose he can never manage anything more than those small sounds, never words, can't tell John any of the things he wants to and let him hear how he feels in the subtle little wavers and inconsistencies; he can still hear Ryan's breath catch, the shaky way he exhales at times, but he's not going to hear that reflected in breathless murmurs rather than soft thoughts.
He doesn't push for an explanation when he catches that thought, trying almost as hard as John is to just focus on everything they're doing. His hand slides up to run through his hair again, slides down his jaw, fingers splaying gently over his throat to trace down it to his collarbone.]
[Again, John smiles against his mouth, letting out his own little murmur at the warm path of Ryan's hand over his face and chest. More, huh? This time his hips move more pointedly, rolling down to create friction between them.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
[His answer is every bit as lazy, tone as soft as his smile. This is comfortable, more comfortable than he's been in a while, and it's more of a relief than he'd expected to know that John is too.]
...really did miss you, y'know.
no subject
Has John ever cuddled? With anyone? Certainly not that he can remember off the top of his head.
He props himself up again, just on his elbow this time, to look down at Ryan. It's a searching look, not totally settled but not all the way to upset either. He's just wishing he had an even more direct pipeline to Ryan's brain, so he could know how deep this runs and exactly how much capacity he has to hurt Ryan at this moment. For some reason, the idea really does bother him.]
I was that good, huh. [It's a ridiculous joke - he fumbled nervously through Ryan's side of the pleasuring, just as nervously as he'd begun the kissing. Certainly not "that good." But it puts into perspective that they've only been physically close once before this, which seems important to John.
Even as he reaches up, appearing to go for Ryan's hair again, then ends up drawing his fingertips up and down the side of Ryan's neck instead. Now his eyes are a little more intent, lips pursed slightly.]
no subject
That comment gets a breathless little laugh from him, though, a brief shake of his head.]
Maybe I wouldn't hand out any awards for that-- but you know I liked it.
[His eyes are half-lidded as John's fingers trail along his neck, head tilting to leave more of it exposed to his touch.
(I like you.)]
no subject
It's too good to be trusted. That's the plain and simple fact of the matter. And it's not only Ryan that he distrusts with something like this.]
Ryan - [But he's said all this already. Ryan just plain isn't listening. All that's left to do is break the connection immediately.
Which is exactly why John leans down and kisses him instead, gripping his neck more firmly.]
no subject
-John.
[That's all he can really say in response, a pleased acknowledgment that he's here, that this is happening, and that he's happy with it.]
no subject
It's John who intensifies the kiss, not wanting this sweet, lazy energy to continue - this is affection, and they're about friendship and/or lust. Time to strengthen the boundaries. He slips a leg over Ryan's hips to straddle him properly and licks at his mouth, hungry, demanding.]
no subject
Ryan's reluctant to let go of it and let things intensify the way John wants, not responding with the same intent at first; it's easy enough to spark his interest, though, and only a few moments pass before he's nipping at John's lip and sliding his hands down to grip at his hips.]
Little impatient, huh?
no subject
[He grins against Ryan's mouth, then pulls back, looking at him curiously.]
My eyes? [It's a thought from a few moments ago, but it's stuck with him. He's confident in his good looks overall (could stand to be taller, of course), but he doesn't see anything special about his eyes, which he knows he heard Ryan thinking about.]
no subject
[It's a simple enough answer, a little absent; now that he's been prompted about that thought Ryan's staring into them again, reaching up to cup the side of John's face.]
You don't usually see blue ones that dark.
[He'd thought they were a different color at first, and he's willing to bet most others do, too. It makes it a sort of secret-- he's been near enough to know, paid enough attention, and there's a little sense of closeness in that.]
no subject
[They're his dad's eyes, but he won't say that: speaking of family always requires proprietary language - my dad, my mom - and they're not his as far as he's concerned, any more than he's theirs. A little flash of a face slips through, though, arrogantly handsome and much more rugged than John's, with those same dark, dark blue eyes and framed by equally dark hair. John doesn't take after his dad in any other feature.]
no subject
[He catches that image, has a pretty good idea of whose face it is-- but he's not about to comment, not on that kind of topic. Instead he simply lets his thumb brush wonderingly over John's cheekbone, another easy and affectionate little touch.
Kind of like how people don't notice the sky being dark blue, either, he muses idly, and then: ...fuck, that's dumb, don't think that out loud.]
1/2
[Yeah, that'd do it. Not that many people get close to him in any way. It's starting to hit him the same way it hit Ryan now, the odd intimacy of having an eye colour that requires close range examination and the fact that Ryan chose it as the part of his face he liked best. This is definitely someone who enjoys closeness, as much as John fears it.
The next thought, along with Ryan's warning to himself not to think it so that John can hear it. makes him laugh in spite of himself. He's still laughing when he bends to kiss Ryan again, but it gradually evens out so that he can kiss properly, without the earlier impatient heat but still very focussed and intent.]
no subject
no subject
Part of him really, really wants to hear Ryan speak. It's not a fair wish, like having a friend in a wheelchair and wanting to go jogging with them, but he likes the gentle and slightly high-toned voice he hears in his head. He wants to feel the hot breath of it against his ear, feel the vibration of it in Ryan's chest when he's lying against him. Intimate things, like Ryan staring into his eyes until he noticed they were blue.
(shit that's not I can't think like) A nervous, broken edge of a thought, but he just slides a hand up Ryan's side and kisses him more deeply, trying once again to lose himself in the physical sensation. The hand slips up under Ryan's shirt, anchoring John with a flat press against his abdomen, and he shifts his hips a little to lean in a bit more closely.]
no subject
He doesn't push for an explanation when he catches that thought, trying almost as hard as John is to just focus on everything they're doing. His hand slides up to run through his hair again, slides down his jaw, fingers splaying gently over his throat to trace down it to his collarbone.]
-more.
[It's a simple demand, quick and to the point.]
no subject
I picked last time. What do you wanna do?