[And of course Ryan will come to visit him, taking time he could actually be using to study. Which is actually important to him. He probably never considered not doing it when he heard about the punishment.
His lips twitch a little, but it's hard to tell if he's about to smile or frown. If only that could feel like a true, solid thing to him, his life would be so much easier. If only he wanted true and solid.
Which brings him back to the question.]
I figured the first one'd be why I took him in the first place. He only took the fall for it, y'know, the planning was all me.
[--right. He remembers the talk they had before they kissed- are you jealous- and it should have been obvious that was what John meant. Would have been, if he were thinking about it that way instead of just relieved John didn't get a punishment that'd keep them from talking.]
You thought I'd be upset you didn't take me? It wouldn't have worked, you already said so.
[He shrugs one shoulder. It's true, he'd have refused or accidentally leaked it by worrying too much.]
You probably should've taken Harry if you were sneaking off with anybody, but...
[This time the pause is because he can't figure out how to put what he means into words. It was a bad idea, Petre in general is a bad idea, but he's had time to have those thoughts already- and time to remember John's admission of kissing him. The things he'd picked up then. You didn't see him.]
But I remember when you talked about what happened with him. I guess I'm not really surprised you're not keeping away from him more.
[And there's the flash of jealousy, of worry. It'd been too late to tell John not to get wrapped up in things and to listen to his own warnings, hadn't it.]
[He sighs out loud, even that sound rippling through the stony silence of the library.]
It just came up. He wanted to see the places where I used to hang out, I said I'd get us away during the next field trip, he said why wait. Just - fuck, I just wanted to show him what he was dealing with. What I dealt with. I'm not some stupid kid who's gonna fall for anything.
[Except that's a lie, too. He really took Petre because in his own way, Petre's been right all this time - aside from his complete sociopathy, they're not that different. No one else could've enjoyed the night, enhanced it, the way Petre did. It was genuine fun until John pushed things -
- no. Until Petre pushed things too far. He won't be accepting that blame any more than he'll be giving in.]
[The question comes after a short silence. He doesn't really have anything to say about Petre that he hasn't said before, and there's no use in repeating them-- John knows his feelings, his concerns. Now he just wants to hear about what actually happened.]
If I told you about half the shit we did, we'd both get full room lockdown for the rest of our lives. It was a blast.
[But there's no way to tell Ryan that Petre made the bartenders forget both their ages and their tabs, that he got them out of the fights John started with a few casual words and mental nudges, that they made fools of people and reveled in their superiority. It's nothing he would understand.]
Just blowing off steam. I needed it. Nothing that big for the rest of this year, though, I won't luck out with someone taking the fall that way again.
Is that gonna be enough to hold you over for the rest of the year?
[The amusement in his tone says he's not so sure it will be. There'll be some kind of trouble later, he's sure, if not something as big as an impromptu trip.]
Because I'm not sure they'd buy it if I tried to cover for you.
[The fondness in Ryan's smile always leaves him with a twisting ambivalence in his gut - aware that he's probably well on the road to hurting the living shit out of someone, but not ready to give up what they have to offer. Some part of him does want to be a decent person, if only it'd speak up more loudly.]
You don't have to do anything.
[That's cold, colder than he intended, and his inability to come up with any way to soften it just leads him to push the cart further down and grab another armful of books. Not a pretty picture, the whole scene.]
[The coldness in it gives him pause, unable to work out just what he'd done wrong--
(what happened, was it something I said-)
-and without any clue what the reason for it was, Ryan has no idea how to respond to that, either. There's confusion and hurt in his own thoughts, and he doesn't follow John down the row of books, left standing there staring after him.]
[John looks down at the book he's holding, then drops his arm and sighs.]
No. No, okay, it wasn't anything - just forget it. [And his gaze moves to the clock, once again blaming his environment for everything.] Fifteen minutes left on this shift. Thank god.
[It wasn't alright, the thought was nothing but acquiescence, but what else could he do? Start an argument in here, right before John was supposed to get out? That had been something, and Ryan is obviously reluctant to let it go despite his response.]
[He looks up, but it's a slow, rolling movement of his head, as though it weighs a ton.]
No.
[Yes. Maybe. But mostly no.]
Ryan - [He's got no end for that thought, but the rest trickles out without him intending it:] (I don't want to hurt you either, but you're gonna let me if you're not careful.)
What kinda shit are you meaning here? [He looks at Ryan more directly, almost challengingly. Time to get this on the table.] What do you actually expect to happen with me?
[Too hard this time. He puts his books down, turns to face Ryan even though that look makes him want to shy away even more than the fond smile.]
You know I liked what we did. You know I wanna be friends. Nothing past that is on offer here.
It doesn't have to be anything past that. Being friends still means not just breaking things off soon as anything happens.
[That comes out more defensive than he meant, but it's the only way he can respond to John's tone. Nothing past that. Fine, whatever, so long as he knows where John stands on this. On them.]
If all you want is some kind of friends-with-benefits thing, okay, but I'm here because I like you. Alright? All I expect to happen is to not be the only one putting any effort in.
[His shoulders, held rigid through that entire mental speech, finally relax a little. Ryan sounds more angry than hurt, and more angry that John was making assumptions than anything. It's a good place for him to be; it's far more likely to be genuine, rather than a cover for disappointment about what he'd thought would happen going up in smoke.]
Alright. [He nods slowly, breaking eye contact. Basically nodding down at the floor.] Alright, just - as long as you know that. I don't need protecting, I don't need saving, I don't need anything from you. Just do what you wanna do, and I'll do what I wanna do, and sometimes it'll be together. It's worked so far, should keep working now.
[That's all he wanted, right? For John to be willing to stick around, to stay friends after what they'd done and maybe repeat that. It's all he figured he could ask for.
And there's still an edge of disappointment despite that, one he's trying hard to bury. After hearing John say there's nothing he needs from him Ryan's quickly realizing that's something he wanted, too; to be needed in some way, to be important.
(I don't know what I expected) slips out of his thoughts, genuine confusion mixed into that frustration. It should be enough for him.]
[For some ridiculous reason, he expected this could take what's probably a normal path. That's what he expected. But he chose probably the second-worst person in the school for normal.
Suddenly, he steps closer to Ryan, starts to reach out for him again - and his hand recoils from Ryan's upper arm before he can make contact. Fuck, what was he thinking? He doesn't offer comforting touches anyway, and he knew damn well he couldn't now. Where did that even come from?
And now there's another apparently spastic movement he has to explain away. Or ignore away, maybe it'll work this time. This one was obviously so unintentional and violent, though, that it's bound to raise more questions rather than less.]
... don't expect anything. Don't ever expect anything from anyone. You're smarter than that.
[Now John doesn't even want to touch him? He wants to read it as unintentional, but after what had ended up feeling more like a rejection than anything, it's too easy to see his hand jerk away and assume he'd thought better of the gesture.
He could at least be less obvious, fuck.]
If you're that against letting anything happen again you could just say so.
[Okay, time to weigh pros and cons. On one side, Ryan is sure to make this 100 times worse if he finds out what's really happened. On the other hand, he's just as sure to keep misreading it and walk away with a much deeper wound than John could have intended if there's no explanation.
Can he even warn Ryan against Petre again when he's been flying so recklessly around his web since the first warning? Will that work? Fuck it, he'll try.]
Put your hand out. Palm up. Like you're waving, but keep it still.
[He stares for a moment, unsure just what John's getting at- but eventually he nods, holds his hand up as he'd been told.]
...what for? You're not making any sense here, John.
[One moment he's insisting there's not going to be anything between them, pulling away from him, and now... whatever the hell this is? Ryan absolutely isn't following.]
[He holds his own hand up, tries to press his palm against Ryan's - and it slides off to one side just as they're close enough to feel the heat from one another's skin, like their hands are magnets with the same poles facing outward.
He does it again, same result. With his other hand, the same thing. It's obvious from his expression and the nature of the movements that this is out of his control.]
[He watches it happen a couple times in disbelief before he tries to touch John's hand himself, with the same result-- and lets his own drop back to his side.]
John, what's going on- is this some weird part of the punishment? They wouldn't--
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His lips twitch a little, but it's hard to tell if he's about to smile or frown. If only that could feel like a true, solid thing to him, his life would be so much easier. If only he wanted true and solid.
Which brings him back to the question.]
I figured the first one'd be why I took him in the first place. He only took the fall for it, y'know, the planning was all me.
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You thought I'd be upset you didn't take me? It wouldn't have worked, you already said so.
[He shrugs one shoulder. It's true, he'd have refused or accidentally leaked it by worrying too much.]
You probably should've taken Harry if you were sneaking off with anybody, but...
[This time the pause is because he can't figure out how to put what he means into words. It was a bad idea, Petre in general is a bad idea, but he's had time to have those thoughts already- and time to remember John's admission of kissing him. The things he'd picked up then. You didn't see him.]
But I remember when you talked about what happened with him. I guess I'm not really surprised you're not keeping away from him more.
[And there's the flash of jealousy, of worry. It'd been too late to tell John not to get wrapped up in things and to listen to his own warnings, hadn't it.]
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[He sighs out loud, even that sound rippling through the stony silence of the library.]
It just came up. He wanted to see the places where I used to hang out, I said I'd get us away during the next field trip, he said why wait. Just - fuck, I just wanted to show him what he was dealing with. What I dealt with. I'm not some stupid kid who's gonna fall for anything.
[Except that's a lie, too. He really took Petre because in his own way, Petre's been right all this time - aside from his complete sociopathy, they're not that different. No one else could've enjoyed the night, enhanced it, the way Petre did. It was genuine fun until John pushed things -
- no. Until Petre pushed things too far. He won't be accepting that blame any more than he'll be giving in.]
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[The question comes after a short silence. He doesn't really have anything to say about Petre that he hasn't said before, and there's no use in repeating them-- John knows his feelings, his concerns. Now he just wants to hear about what actually happened.]
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If I told you about half the shit we did, we'd both get full room lockdown for the rest of our lives. It was a blast.
[But there's no way to tell Ryan that Petre made the bartenders forget both their ages and their tabs, that he got them out of the fights John started with a few casual words and mental nudges, that they made fools of people and reveled in their superiority. It's nothing he would understand.]
Just blowing off steam. I needed it. Nothing that big for the rest of this year, though, I won't luck out with someone taking the fall that way again.
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[The amusement in his tone says he's not so sure it will be. There'll be some kind of trouble later, he's sure, if not something as big as an impromptu trip.]
Because I'm not sure they'd buy it if I tried to cover for you.
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[There's a softer smile, more amused than wicked.]
I just said nothing that big. And not until this is done, at least. Don't need to start layering punishments.
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[His own smile's fond, and just as amused.]
I'd get caught way too fast.
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You don't have to do anything.
[That's cold, colder than he intended, and his inability to come up with any way to soften it just leads him to push the cart further down and grab another armful of books. Not a pretty picture, the whole scene.]
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[The coldness in it gives him pause, unable to work out just what he'd done wrong--
(what happened, was it something I said-)
-and without any clue what the reason for it was, Ryan has no idea how to respond to that, either. There's confusion and hurt in his own thoughts, and he doesn't follow John down the row of books, left standing there staring after him.]
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No. No, okay, it wasn't anything - just forget it. [And his gaze moves to the clock, once again blaming his environment for everything.] Fifteen minutes left on this shift. Thank god.
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[It wasn't alright, the thought was nothing but acquiescence, but what else could he do? Start an argument in here, right before John was supposed to get out? That had been something, and Ryan is obviously reluctant to let it go despite his response.]
D'you want me to leave you alone?
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No.
[Yes. Maybe. But mostly no.]
Ryan - [He's got no end for that thought, but the rest trickles out without him intending it:] (I don't want to hurt you either, but you're gonna let me if you're not careful.)
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[There's that earnest look again. If that's seriously the problem, it's not one Ryan's going to accept.]
If I get hurt I'm not going to just be instantly done with you or something. Things heal up if you work on them.
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[Too hard this time. He puts his books down, turns to face Ryan even though that look makes him want to shy away even more than the fond smile.]
You know I liked what we did. You know I wanna be friends. Nothing past that is on offer here.
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[That comes out more defensive than he meant, but it's the only way he can respond to John's tone. Nothing past that. Fine, whatever, so long as he knows where John stands on this. On them.]
If all you want is some kind of friends-with-benefits thing, okay, but I'm here because I like you. Alright? All I expect to happen is to not be the only one putting any effort in.
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Alright. [He nods slowly, breaking eye contact. Basically nodding down at the floor.] Alright, just - as long as you know that. I don't need protecting, I don't need saving, I don't need anything from you. Just do what you wanna do, and I'll do what I wanna do, and sometimes it'll be together. It's worked so far, should keep working now.
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[That's all he wanted, right? For John to be willing to stick around, to stay friends after what they'd done and maybe repeat that. It's all he figured he could ask for.
And there's still an edge of disappointment despite that, one he's trying hard to bury. After hearing John say there's nothing he needs from him Ryan's quickly realizing that's something he wanted, too; to be needed in some way, to be important.
(I don't know what I expected) slips out of his thoughts, genuine confusion mixed into that frustration. It should be enough for him.]
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Suddenly, he steps closer to Ryan, starts to reach out for him again - and his hand recoils from Ryan's upper arm before he can make contact. Fuck, what was he thinking? He doesn't offer comforting touches anyway, and he knew damn well he couldn't now. Where did that even come from?
And now there's another apparently spastic movement he has to explain away. Or ignore away, maybe it'll work this time. This one was obviously so unintentional and violent, though, that it's bound to raise more questions rather than less.]
... don't expect anything. Don't ever expect anything from anyone. You're smarter than that.
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[Now John doesn't even want to touch him? He wants to read it as unintentional, but after what had ended up feeling more like a rejection than anything, it's too easy to see his hand jerk away and assume he'd thought better of the gesture.
He could at least be less obvious, fuck.]
If you're that against letting anything happen again you could just say so.
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[Okay, time to weigh pros and cons. On one side, Ryan is sure to make this 100 times worse if he finds out what's really happened. On the other hand, he's just as sure to keep misreading it and walk away with a much deeper wound than John could have intended if there's no explanation.
Can he even warn Ryan against Petre again when he's been flying so recklessly around his web since the first warning? Will that work? Fuck it, he'll try.]
Put your hand out. Palm up. Like you're waving, but keep it still.
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...what for? You're not making any sense here, John.
[One moment he's insisting there's not going to be anything between them, pulling away from him, and now... whatever the hell this is? Ryan absolutely isn't following.]
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He does it again, same result. With his other hand, the same thing. It's obvious from his expression and the nature of the movements that this is out of his control.]
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[He watches it happen a couple times in disbelief before he tries to touch John's hand himself, with the same result-- and lets his own drop back to his side.]
John, what's going on- is this some weird part of the punishment? They wouldn't--
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[He sets his jaw furiously, giving Ryan a hard look.]
And you're not doing anything about it. I'll deal with this.
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